Baby, I’m a Nightmare Dressed Like a Daydream

“I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving.”
The Postal Service

Typically, I am a very compassionate and loving person. Unfortunately, in my relationships this isn’t always the case. Just ask any guy I’ve ever dated and it’s quite possible he will describe me as a raging bitch. While it is completely normal to feel irritable from time to time, criticizing your boyfriend until he feels worthless is generally frowned upon. In an attempt to improve my behavior, I have given a lot of thought to why I tend to be overly critical to the people most special in my life.

What I have come to realize is that I am most critical when I am struggling to bring up something that is bothering me. Instead of asserting myself in a healthy way, I criticize the person for not giving me what I want. While not intentional, this is my fucked up way of trying to elicit some change and get what I want. Well, it turns out that people do not really like to be put down so instead I just push them farther away. This ends up creating a vicious cycle where the more I push you away the more I need you so the more I criticize. Clearly this is not an effective method for getting my needs met.

Ok, so now I know I do this, but why?

I have a few theories. For one, I find it extremely difficult to assert myself. It is also really difficult to ask for something if you aren’t entirely sure what it is you want in the first place. I’m not sure if anyone relates, but I don’t think in words. I know, that sounds really strange, but I’ll try to explain. Of course, there is a voice in my head that speaks to me in the English language, but when it comes to navigating my physical and emotional needs I sort of just feel. My intuition is my guiding light. When the fog of fear and anxiety settles in, it becomes extremely difficult for me to read these feelings. I am still able to sense that something is missing, but I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what it is. I try to navigate the fog, but I usually end up frustrated and confused. In a desperate attempt to fill the void, I start blaming those around me. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t do this. As far back as elementary school I remember making fun of the boy I liked. In third grade, this may have been age appropriate behavior, but at age 27, my boyfriend doesn’t enjoy it nearly as much.

Ok, so now I have an idea of why I do this, but what do I do instead?

I wish I had a mental flashlight to help me see through the fog. I don’t want to be critical. I don’t want to push the people I love the most so far away. I want to be the compassionate and loving person I know that I am. For now, I guess I will continue on my journey in search of my light.

 

Namaste.

Poem: Places Unknown

Melodies and haunting lullabies
Got me thinking about all the lies
Like why are we all just sent here to die?
Billions of lost souls floating through space and time

Fate or chance, you decide
You’ve got free will so use your mind
It’s up to you to wake up or stay blind
But don’t regret what you leave behind

Life has no meaning unless you live
If you want to make a difference take less and give
Be more positive and less negative
Learn to show love and how to forgive

Although the world can sometimes be dark
Always remember there’s love in your heart
Share it with others and do your part
To be more present and less apart

Look for the good and not the bad to help you prepare
To see what a person truly has to offer and share
So please think twice before you judge and stare
This includes the compulsive need to compare

Replace fear and judgment with curiosity
Choose to experience life and embrace novelty
Prepare yourself for boundless possibilities
Let go of false expectations and allow yourself to be free

We are all made of the same dust and stars
But always stay true to the uniqueness of who you are
Never be ashamed to show your scars
They tell the story of your journey so far

Remember that no life is a waste
Imperfections are perfect in their own little way
Everyone deserves to find their happy place
Even if it’s only a temporary escape

The entire universe can feel like one giant illusion.
No matter how much you learn you will continue confusing
theories proven and others disputed.
How does one ever reach a conclusion?

Despite thrill seeking and soul searching, there is no escape from your last and final fate
I hope you met someone with whom you could relate and truly believed that you were great
Never forget that you meant the world to someone
Where you go from here remains unanswered for everyone.

Bonnie and Clyde: What Makes a “Bad” Boy so Desirable?

Theadora_Bonnie_Clyde_beatty-466

Since summer 2014, I attended group therapy every Thursday evening. The weekly check-ins provided me a safe place to vent on a regular basis without having to call up my friends in the middle of the night when shit hit the fan. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I decided it was time to move on from my weekly sessions and entrust myself to handle things on my own in the “real world.” Just two weeks post group therapy, and I am already involved in the type of shenanigans that can only be shared during a confidential group session or over wine with the bestie. Somehow, I find myself juggling two guys, one of which is great for me – which makes him less interesting and desirable, and the other who is so incredibly wrong for me that I am drawn to him like a magnet to metal. Just months out of an engagement with Mr. Wrong, I have myself thinking, “What is it I find so desirable about these so-called ‘bad’ boys?”

I believe the answer stems way back into my childhood when I was first identified as the “good” kid. Unlucky for my younger brother, “bad” kid was the only label left by the time he came around. Growing up as little Miss Goody Two-Shoes wasn’t all that bad. I mean, I got away with A LOT just by passing the blame to my poor innocent brother. I mean seriously, my parents found a pack of PINK cigarettes in MY closet, and believed me when I said they were my brothers because I would never smoke cigarettes. *insert smirking face emoji* While I may have taken advantage of my brother on numerous occasions, I was envious of him despite the trouble and chaos that followed him around. At least he gets to be himself. To this day, I envy his “I don’t give a shit” attitude.

Obviously, no person can be all good or all bad (more…)

God is Dead, or is He? My Journey to Spiritual Awakening

Wisdom says I am nothing,
Love says I am everything,
Between the two my life moves.
Nisargadatta Maharaj

For as long as I can remember, my heart has yearned for something more. Not something material, but meaningful. Growing up, my family encouraged me to look outside of myself to find the meaning I so desperately desired. Go to church, read the Bible, pray to God, and all will be alright. At least this is what I was told. Eager to fill the emptiness inside, I flung myself into the word of the Lord. I learned everything I could about Catholicism and how to defend my faith to nonbelievers. I learned Bible verses and rituals. When to stand, when to sit, when to kneel. But it all felt forced lacking true personal meaning. (more…)

Opening the Cage and Learning to Fly

Maybe part of my lacking identity is due to my unwillingness to make decisions for myself. I don’t know who I AM because I always let YOU decide for me. I think this began as a child growing up with strict parents, or a strict father to be more exact. As a teenager, I started to become someone my father disapproved of. He didn’t like the clothes I wore, the music I listed to or the gender of the person I chose to love. As I began to live a double life, the person I wanted to be and the person my father expected me to be, I began to doubt my ability to make good decisions for myself.

As an adult, I have struggled to show my true self to anyone, including myself. By hiding behind a mask, my true self is protected from rejection. But she is also hidden from love and acceptance. I’ve locked myself in a cage in which I hold the key to set myself free. But the cage feels safe. What if what lies outside the cage is worse than the loneliness and despair that lies within? What if I never find a flock in which I belong? One thing is for sure, I won’t find my flock inside my cage.

I must fly with confidence that I will find where I belong, and not be discouraged by the flocks in which I am rejected. No one fits in everywhere, so I shouldn’t expect myself to either.

From the edge of my cage, I stare out at the bright, open sky of uncertainty.

“What if I fall? Oh but darling, what if you fly?”

Taking Off the Mask and Letting Go

MASK

Struggling with my identity and who I am as a person has been a life long battle. Typically, I leach on to the first person that shows interest and has enough self-confidence for the both of us. I quickly become this other person losing any real sense of self. When I’m with someone else it is easy. I go with the flow and do what they do so I don’t have to make any real effort to figure out what I really want. This usually works for a while until the infatuation wears off, and I’m left with with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction.

Of course, at this stage in the relationship, I don’t leave. I tell myself it’s not the relationship, it’s me and if I can just figure myself out then I will be happy. But trying to find yourself is hard enough when you are not consumed by someone else. Usually I self destruct until the other person no longer wants to be with me. But this time was different. Self destruction happened, but he didn’t leave.

For two years I denied to myself what I wanted out of fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of facing myself. I deceived myself into believing I was happy by denying what was right in front of me. Instead of listening to my intuition, I chastised any negative thoughts I had about the relationship and brushed them under the rug as a symptom of my mental illness.

It was at this point that I started therapy to fix myself so I could save my relationship. What I didn’t know was a year later I would have the strength to leave. When I met my ex-fiance I was weak. I needed someone to take care of me, to define me. Today, I still have a long road ahead of me, but I have a new found strength and love for myself that I have never felt before. I know that I am worthy even if I can’t always see it.

Standing up for myself and ending my engagement should have been the most difficult choice I have ever had to make. It was hard, but it was necessary. No matter how hard you try and how much you work on yourself, you can’t make yourself want something you don’t.

I didn’t have a breakdown after I ended the engagement. Not because I wasn’t upset but because I wouldn’t allow myself to. Not allowing yourself to feel doesn’t make the feeling go away. I know in order to heal and move on I am going to have to allow myself to experience the pain. It is only now that I am truly alone that I realize I have been running from myself. Constantly being in a relationship distracted me from the negative thoughts about myself and the feelings of emptiness. Now I’m forced to face them, to face me.

I look forward to the future with both fear and hope. Hope that one day I will grow to love myself in a way that will allow me to truly love another without needing them.

Today I feel empty and alone, but I know one day I will find peace.

Namaste.

Self-Compassion: Why I Stopped Trying to Fix Myself

compassion

Over the past few years I’ve been struggling with anxiety and emotional dysregulation issues coupled with periods of depression. I’m a “fixer” so like I do with all things in life I’ve been on a mission to “fix” myself. First I tried therapy. It’s helping. But it hasn’t fixed me. So I’m still searching.

Two months ago I went to a psychiatrist. I was skeptical about taking medication, but thought it couldn’t hurt to try. After about four weeks, the change was significant. I can honestly say I didn’t even realize how anxious and depressed I really was until I started to feel better. My entire life I’ve felt pissed off and on edge. Suddenly this feeling was gone and I was smiling for no reason! I began to see the good in life and the people around me.

Finally! I found the solution to all of my problems! So I thought.

Just as quickly as it had come, the happiness began to fade away leaving behind familiar feelings of irritability, shame and self-doubt. I was naive to think that I had found some wonder drug that was going to make me happy for the rest of my life. I honestly thought I was just lucky and had finally found something that worked really well for me. But it doesn’t seem to be going the way I had anticipated.

It’s difficult to come to the realization that there is no “fix” and these issues will always persist in one way or another. I’m beginning to understand that if I continue to fight and resist my mental illness, I’m going to foster a deeper sense of dissatisfaction for myself. In order to move forward and find peace, I have to stop trying to  “fix” myself and start accepting the parts of myself that I do not like.

Depression and anxiety are a part of me. They have shaped my personality and perception of the world in many ways. Without them, I might not have the same appreciation for life, love and compassion. Learning why I do the things that I do is my greatest passion in life, and I know this wouldn’t be so if it wasn’t for the darkness inside me. I am more compassionate towards others because I understand what it means to struggle with something difficult. I have gained insight into how critical compassion is for humanity. It is only now that I am beginning to learn that compassion has to start with myself.

Starting today I’m going to show myself compassion the way I would a friend because I owe that to myself.  I am going to embrace my darkness, and see it for what it really is, an opportunity for personal transformation and unimaginable growth. Starting today I choose to love me, all of me.

If you are interested in learning more about self-compassion, I recommend the book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  Kristin Neff and Brene Brown are the world’s leading researchers on self-compassion, vulnerability and shame.

Namaste.

Arguing Back with Your Inner Critic

innercritic

Today I want to talk about our inner critics. This voice in our head narrates our entire life telling us how amazing we are or berating us telling us how we’re a piece of shit.  Without even realizing it, you may falsely believe the inner critic to be yourself.

I’m here to tell you that you are not your inner critic, and with a little mindfulness and practice, you can break free from these constant self-judgments. You may not be able to get the inner critic to shut her god damn mouth, but at least you will be able to (more…)

Speck in Time

clock

I watched the documentary Happy the other day.  It got me thinking about how many people believe in life after death because our life would have no meaning otherwise.  It saddens me that so many people miss that life is our purpose.  Life is meaning.  The very fact that I am alive at this present moment is a miracle.  I could have been anyone or lived anywhere during any time period.  I could be a star or a planet or an ant.  But I’m not.  I’m me and I’m here. Now. That is what is beautiful.  We don’t decide our fate in life, but we decide (more…)